I know, I know... good intentions petered out fast. It's been a few months. But something struck home this weekend and I gotta write it down so I don't forget.
I have a bachelor's in Dance. I spent an ungodly amount of time at a private university to earn said degree and then a few years later...not use it. I did for a while, then kids, our nomadic life, blah blah blah.... forty pounds and four kids later: I don't tell people that I was a dancer. I hate having people look at me and think, "Hmm.... that on pointe shoes? in a tutu? Ick." Obviously I am a harsh judge of myself, but I don't want to admit to a life that is no longer mine: a dancer. Four kids and two surgeries later.... by body has clocked out of the studio. My back and feet are so jacked up, there are mornings that the severe arthritis in my feet make it painful to walk.
Here are the things I am SICK of saying to people:
I used to be a dancer, but...
I used to travel, but....
I used to speak Russian/Spanish/French/Italian, but...
I used to
I used to
I used to
I USED TO
I don't ever want to say that again. Why don't I do any of those things? 2 reasons: Kids and husband. It sounds harsh. I got married to a complicated man, and I had four kids. "Complicated" in a sense that he has a tricky job. We have moved 17 times in 12 years of marriage. We are anticipating a series of moves in the next couple years right now. That makes it awfully hard to establish a name as a dance teacher anywhere. The languages thing? Well, I find it difficult to speak coherent English these days with the chaos of children and sleep deprivation going on in my life for the past 9 years.
I read something about "LIFE" (the platitudinous term) that really hit home. The organic flow of life makes it difficult to dictate the outcome. We may fight and fight to achieve our perceived outcome of how our lives are supposed to look, and not realize the beautiful mess we are in has evolved into a gorgeous symphony of cacophony and color. I'm starting to acknowledge that in my own life. I don't do any of the things that I did as a single woman. Hell, I'm not sure I knew who I truly was when I was single. The purifying fires of trial after trial hadn't been a reality until after I was married. (Okay, it's not my husband's fault... it's his damn profession that isn't family friendly).
So recognizing that the chaos that fills my every hour is what will shape ME has been an eye opener. I am more patient. I am calmer. I have found a deeper spirituality that I didn't have before-- even when I was a full time missionary in my 20's. These moments are here to prove what we really are made of. I don't want to continue to carry my collection of "I used to"s around on a string like a lame dog. It's a pile of shit that can turn a person into a victim. I am not a victim of my circumstances! Time to recognize the beauty of this moment. This very moment where I have slowed down enough to write in my lame journal, listen to my baby sleeping while the twins watch Rugrats. It's a good moment. I know I can continue to recognize the good moments. There's my challenge.
